In the quiet

I haven’t been writing much.

Not because I have nothing to say. No, far from it. I’ve got lists of things I want to write about, several unpublished started posts that just aren’t ready to be shared yet.

I haven’t been writing much because my mind has been all over the place.

I’m stressed from work and parenting and trying to have some semblance of a life.

I’m stressed from trying to reassure Darling that I still love him and I’m not leaving. And from him still not fully accepting me and how I want to live. He’s trying but I’m still living with limits and rules about my relationship with Ozzie.

And for those not familiar with Poly, no that’s not exactly normal. It’s definitely not ideal. I’m not having to hide anymore but yet, in a way, I’m still very confined by everything.

I’m starting to worry, to wonder. Is this going to work? Is Darling going to be able to make this adjustment? Or did my decisions cost me my husband and my family? But could I have continued to live like I was? How much more could I have taken before something inside of me broke that couldn’t be fixed?

My thoughts just keep chasing each other Aaron’s in circles, leaving me frustrated and uncertain and feeling very much like I’m living on sand, not knowing when the tide is going to sweep in and wash away everything I’m fighting to build.